chinochimoreno

*stares at his shoes*

I think it maybe time... to shut this down. I've been on here for 5 years and honestly, it feels like driving a really old car.

I wish I could learn to slow my mind well enough to see my own world like I can see other people's.

I wonder if I wrote Dana White a fan letter if I could get free tickets to a UFC show. He seems to really like being charitable to crippled fans.

I should be a asleep.

Big day tomorrow.

Change. Real change. What is that? I think it's just new things that eventually become habits. They say it only takes around two weeks of engaging in a specific behavior for it to become a habit. Think about that. Just 14 days before something becomes part of who you are...

When you think of it, in those admittedly simple, terms then I think any change or improvement becomes possible for you. You just have to try. It's hard to try though. Lord knows I don't try nearly enough... but I'm working on it.

Kinda sounds like a joke: "Trying to try".

Funny sounding or not... It's all I can do.

I got wrapped up in reading my live journal tonight. It's weird to think I've had it for over five years. So many painful and joyous memories barely covered by metaphors meant to make them seem like they weren't things that I actually experienced.

I read through this all in chronological order, amused and a little upset by how much my outlook has barely changed over the years. The fear and stress of college has been replaced by the fear and stress of a never ending working world. The more things change right?...

It was hard reading about my times with Amy again...That was all so sudden and at the end so very heart breaking. The stuff about Diana was hard to look at too.. but I read it anyway. Talk about a long painful trip. It's weird but that was such a rough time for me but it also is one of the main reasons why I'm here now. If I had known how much it would hurt me, I might never have tried to better myself. If I had not put in all that effort to better myself then my entire life would be different.

Still all that shit really hurt though and it stung to look at it again.

So here I am, 10 pm on a work night... dwelling on the past while I think about the future. I'm trying to better myself again. A couple weeks ago I began the first steps on that journey and I just hope it's as life changing as my first attempt.

Maybe I'll always have one foot in the past and one in the future.

I'm full of so many regrets I could cry...

MSN.com just labeled Nashville as one of the top ten saddest places in America. It ranked number 7.

I'm alone right now. It's nearly 11pm on a Saturday night. Not really wanting to sound all pathetic but I wish I wasn't by myself right now. I flipped through my phone earlier and all I seemed to find there were exes, family, and friends who aren't in the same place I am.

It feels like sometimes life is passing me by. As if everything is progressing around me.

No one to call.

I feel like I'm losing.

You win some and you lose some right?...

I mean you do win some... right?

Hope can be a really scary thing.

It might work out though.

It might work out...

I'm sitting here listening to Jay Farrar warble out disconnected, abstract lyrics over distorted, aching guitars. I was listening to this and I thought to myself:

"I use to update my journal a lot more. I should write something in it besides cryptic bullshit about some thing or person that doesn't really matter."

I'm two months into my new job as an IT guy for a major health care company. It's easy. My friend, Sam says I use that phrase to avoid saying I like the job. That's not true. I really don't care for the job at all. It's just made tolerable by the ease of it and some of the really fun and interesting people I work with on a daily basis.

I still feel like an utter sellout every day though. The odd thing is, I'm not really sure I want to be a rehab counselor though. My brief glimpses of that world I have seen recently show me that it's not really a place I want to be.

Maybe I'll go back to school.

That'd be possible... my job is flexible and if need be I could lean on my folks financially for a bit. My mother just started an amazing new job in South Carolina. She's making enough money where I honestly could work just part time if I wanted to be a lazy asshole and bum money off of her. I don't want to do that though. Besides, the folks would probably want me to move out to South Carolina if I did that ...and fuck, I'm just now getting use to Nashville.

Things haven't changed a great deal for me in the year and half I've been here, in case anyone was wondering. You know what they say, "The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Speaking of which, I'm lonely more often than I'd care to admit in person. It's hard to find time to actively work towards a relationship with anyone. There have been a few girls here and there but nothing has truly "clicked" for me to think this is the girl I should be actively pursuing. I mean I've tried to convince myself that a couple of them were... but isn't that just settling? I don't want to settle. I've settle enough in my life already.

Maybe she was right... maybe I do "spend too much time in my own head". She was pretty self-involved too. So, who knows?

One last thought before I shuffle off to the land of unconsciousness:

I miss my friends. There are a lot of guys and girls who I've lost touch with over the past couple years. I hate it and I'm trying to reestablish those connections. Sometimes it's just so hard to bridge those gaps and admit I've been a jerk by not being available.

I'm trying... I'm always trying.

I'm through trying to watch films by M. Night Shyamalan. I just sat through "Lady in the Water" and boy was it wretched. It has been a long time since I've hated a movie this much.
There was seriously a point near the very end of the film where I said out loud (with no one around, mind you), "what the hell am I watching?!"

How do you make the main source of exposition in your film the character with the most annoying voice? How does a filmmaker write a part for himself into a movie where he is the "chosen one' who will right the world's social ills and not get labeled a complete hack? How can this movie be so bad that it honestly made me reevaluate the acting talent of Paul Giamatti?

These were all questions I asked myself when the film was over. Seriously, how did this get released? I mean a whole character is introduced just to make a veiled point that M. Night hates critics! That was the whole point of the character, to state that film critics were ignorant and worthy of death by ...*cough* grass dog.

Yep... a dog made of grass. I mean how... how with all the truly great unproduced movies out there did the one about Opie's daughter, the fairy, getting chased by a dog made of fucking grass get made?

All this stuff I've mentioned here barely scratches the surface of how much I hated this thing. I'm not going to even get into the ridiculous character, make-up, and story arc of the tenant played by (another actor I actually really like) Freddy Rodriguez. I also won't go in to the monkeys made of grass that appear near the end to deliver the final blow of this cinematic donkey punch.

Honestly... I hate when people say these kind of things ...but...

Fuck you, M. Night Shyamalan. I hope you get raped by grass monkeys and get grass AIDS.

On Movies:

"What's the point of even discussing movies if your most critical thought process about them is that they passed the time or that the latest one "wasn't that bad"? You know what - if you want to turn off your brain for hours at a time, pick up heroin. At least that will make you interesting."
-Devin Faraci

Man, do you ever read something and think, "I wish I could of expressed it so well."?

That right there is a shining example of it for me.

"Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be."
-Anton Chekhov (1860-1904)

Just a thought. Doesn't really apply to me. I'm not even sure what "being in love" is...

I felt the need to share that though.

The new job is going okay. It is still a job though, so I wouldn't say it's great.

Well, I'm out of things to say at the moment.

So, I officially start my new job tomorrow. There was a time not very long ago when I felt like a complete failure. I never thought I'd find another decent job. Now, I have someplace to go tomorrow, something to do with myself.

I can't figure out how I feel. It's like I've been out of synch with myself for as long as a couple years now. I kinda hope that the job will help. Maybe I just forgot who I am. Maybe I never knew...

That's enough existentialism for tonight.

I got another job offer today. It's more money and in a better neighborhood with better hours and benefits... but it's not a counseling job. Figures huh? The want me to start for them in two weeks or so. I suppose that'll give me time to see if I like being a late night emotional oasis for depressed emo kids.

So, I guess I have options now.

I saw "Monty Python's Spam-a-Lot" today at TPAC with the usual gang of misfits, today. It was a nice way to spend the afternoon. Here's a little moment that isn't really related to anything important that happened today... but it made me grin to myself.

I was buying a t-shirt from the merch stand and the totally disinterested girl behind the counter handed me a credit card receipt and asked me to sign my name. This exchange took place:

"So, do I have to sign my name... or can I just make one up, like 'Daffy Duck'?"

*Blank stare from the clerk*: "You can draw a bunny on it for all I care."

So. I wrote "Matt" then drew a quick, little, smiling, cartoon bunny.

"It's not the greatest bunny in the world but there you go." I say with a smile as I hand it back to her.

She laughed and smiled.

I went on my way.

I start my new job next week. I'll be working as a "crisis counselor". Not a bad gig, really. The only thing is that it's a late night position. I'll be working from 3 in the afternoon until almost midnight Mondays through Friday. So, I have really mixed feelings about the whole thing. I gotta work, ya know? I'm just not sure what I'm working towards most days.

Oh well... always moving forward like a goddamn shark.
________________

Here's a couple videos that feel like they explain things I never could (or at least in a way that makes sense):

So, I picked up the DVD of David Fincher's "Zodiac" (the director's cut) at Best Buy the other day. Since I've gotten a job and can afford to start splurging on myself again. I thought this would be a good choice to renew my favorite hobby.

Anyway, I thought..since I don't really discuss my personal life here anymore... I though I would follow Jake and Alex's wonderful examples and talk about the movie. Here goes:

What a great film. This is a perfect example of an ensemble film, as no one character seemed more important than any other. Which is fine considering that every performance was rich and nuanced.

I also have to say that this one of the few films I've ever seen that filled me with a true sense of uncomfortable dread. Which is saying a lot as I am an avid watcher of quality horror films. The scene with Jake Gyllenhal's character in the home of Charles Fleisher's creepy film fan had me so tense and unnerved that I was literally sitting on my couch frozen until the scene was over. (Yes, Charles was the voice of Roger Rabbit and clearly knowing this, he still terrified me.)

Also for a nearly 3 hour film it really breezed by... much like "American Gangster" I felt the film could of actually benefited from being a bit longer. It also gets big bonus points from me by being waaaaay more accurate to what actually happened than most of these "based on a true story films".

I guess the biggest compliment I can give the film is that as soon as it was over... I wanted to know more about the Zodiac case. It's as if Gyllenhal's obsession passes over to the viewer during the running time of the film. I cant wait to tear into all the documentaries on disc 2 of the set in the coming days.

If you havent seen the film, check out this really stellar DVD. You might just find yourself being as blown away as I was.

Oh, and the coverart is truly badass. It ranks up there with the finest Criterion DVD covers.

"I hate Coors Light on principle. I don't like any beer that is harmful to werewolves."

-Nick Nunziata


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